If you work at a McDonald's, or a BK, or a Wendy's... go fuck yourself. Seriously. Go out back, use some grease from the huge vats of deep fryer sludge that are inevitably stored out there to lube up your brown eye, pretzel up and shove your own head up your ass. You work in fast food. This is pretty much the lowest of low jobs that you can end up in. How hard is it to not fuck up while you're there?? I mean, when I say to you "I'd like a large Diet Coke please." And you repeat back to me, "Ok, one large diet coke." How fucking hard is that to follow up by actually filling it with DIET FUCKING COKE??? I didn't ask for a Regular PumpedFromABucketFullOfAssholes Coke. I asked for a Diet Coke. Diet Motherfucking Coke. Seriously. If this is really as easy as it seems to me, how can it be possible that three out of five times some fucking lackey gives me the wrong fucking thing?? How brainless do you have to be to master this concept??
I get it. I get that your job sucks scrotal sack. I get that you hate yourself but are too afraid to just pull the trigger and put the world out of your misery. I get that you hate me because I'm making you feel subservient, but fuck you. If I didn't come by to line Jim Skinner's pockets by paying for my morning Diet Coke, then you'd be back on the corner giving tug jobs for cash, hoping that the sore on your face is just a pimple and not the first signs of AIDS, all just to keep that shitty little Hyundai on the road for just one more week.
Did you just think to yourself, "Oh come on, they're pretty much the same thing, he already works in a shitty dead end job, give him a break"??? FUCK YOU! They are not the same thing. Calling Coke and Diet Coke the same thing is like saying that crack and heroine are the same thing. Both get you high, both are highly addictive, surely they're interchangeable. Fuck you. Diet Coke is a completely, different flavor. In all my years of being addicted to diet colas, only once has one of the lackeys given me root beer instead of my beverage of choice. But at least twice a week they fuck it up and give me Regular Coke. If I were a diabetic, you could have just handed me a big cup of poison. Seriously. You just handed me a one liter cup of cold frothy death. I'm not a diabetic though, so you're lucky this time, but I probably would be if I drank Regular Coke to the same degree that I drink Diet Coke.
Is it the name?? Could that be the problem?? Sure, they both have the word Coke in them, but one has two words, the other doesn't. I guess they could try calling it something else. Maybe just DC. Or DieCo. Coke Zero's got it easy because you could just call it zero, but DieCo sounds like the company that should find inventive ways for me to end you. If you can't get it right, fuck you. I like it as it is. It's a Diet Mutherfucking Coke. Get it right.
By fucking up my shit, you make my day worse, which is going to make your day suck tomorrow. Because tomorrow when I come in for my Diet Motherfucking Coke, I'mma make you read it back to me a bunch of times. Then I'm going to sit in the drive thru line making everyone behind me wait while I root through the bag to find the straw that you probably didn't give me, then do a little taste test. And if it's fucking wrong, it's coming back in the window. As hard as I can throw that motherfucker it's coming back in that fucking little drive thru window all over your ugly fucking face. It's going to be just like that time you got bukkake'd for $30 to help put yourself through fast food training camp. Except it'll be cold and it'll taste like someone else's ass, not your own. So just get it fucking right and save us all the hassle.
-b
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Fuck Shaw Cable
Fuck them in their time wasting cockholes. Seriously. How fucking hard is it to replace a fucking PVR?? It's not like I'm asking them to recover the blackbox's data from the space shuttle columbia or anything....
This all started months ago. YEARS ago... We went out and bought a shiny new PVR from Shaw. Yay!! Just like TiVo, but in Canada!!! Except... within the first couple of months, ours fucked up. It would record things, but it would freeze part way into the playback and never let you watch past that point.
Fuck.
Just our luck that these ass-rammers would have slipped us a defective one. I call tech support, and they tell me to unplug and reconnect everything, power included and see if that helps. I do and it does. For a week. Then it slowly starts rolling back down the shit hill... So I call Shaw and politely ask them to fix this shit, and they send out a guy. Of course the only time that they're availiable to come out, is convieniently when no one who has a standard job should ever be home.
I book them in for Tuesday morning between 8 and 12. At 12:05, this big fucking douche-clot strolls through my front door and says, "Hey man, sorry I'm a dicktard with absolutely no respect for you. I know I shoulda been here earlier but I stopped by a gloryhole on my way over here and took a couple shots in the mouth." At least, thats what I remember him saying....
Regardless, this spunk junkie unplugs and plugs everything back into the PVR and resets it. It works. I politely explain to him that I've been through this, it works, but only for a week. Thinking back, the weird thing was that he brought a PVR with him because he thought he was supposed to be hooking it up... little did I know that it would have been smarter for me to just greyhound him and keep the PVR he brought than proceed as I did. He basically said something along the lines of "tough luck shitstains, I'm goin to the pumpjack for... lunch."
So a week later I call Shaw again, and basically start the process over again. Eventually I talk to a tech person who's heard of this problem before and she says that I need to have the PVR plugged directly into the wall, that for some fucked up reason powerbars tend to fuck with the sensitive inner gibberish of an overly expensive computer.... I try it and it works. For months it works. It works for so long that I never even got around to writing this entry...
Then, in the last month or so... it started fucking up again. This time I'm pissed. I've had at least five shit-cobblers come to my house, stink it up, and i'm still having this problem?? Fuck that shit. Bring me a new fucking box.
They agree.
Hooray!!!
Again I have to stay home in the morning to wait for this dick-repository to show up, but when he does, he's got a PVR in his hands. I almost shat in my pants when I saw it but I managed to keep it in and guide him to our TV. Fuckwad looks at the back of my PVR, opens the one he's brought with him and looks at the back of it... "Um, so it's like this, your using an HDMI cable... and this PVR only has a DVI port on it... oh, and I need to get back to the gloryhole... I'll come back tomorrow."
WHAT THE FUCK???????
Firstly, Shaw knows what fucking PVR I have because I've had a steady stream of their ball garglers running gangbanging it for a year...
Secondly, why the fuck would Motorola only put one input on a fucking PVR????? For that, Fuck you Motorola... I mean, I could nerd out and ramble about how HDMI is clearly better than DVI, but when I'm spending nearly a thousand dollars on a fucking glorified VCR, Fuck them for only putting one or the other on it. My TV has every kind of port on it that was ever made. Ones I've never even seen before and I'm a fucking AV nerd.
Fuck Motorola for only putting one or the other on the fucking box.
Fuck Shaw for bringing the wrong fucking one.
Fuck.
-b
This all started months ago. YEARS ago... We went out and bought a shiny new PVR from Shaw. Yay!! Just like TiVo, but in Canada!!! Except... within the first couple of months, ours fucked up. It would record things, but it would freeze part way into the playback and never let you watch past that point.
Fuck.
Just our luck that these ass-rammers would have slipped us a defective one. I call tech support, and they tell me to unplug and reconnect everything, power included and see if that helps. I do and it does. For a week. Then it slowly starts rolling back down the shit hill... So I call Shaw and politely ask them to fix this shit, and they send out a guy. Of course the only time that they're availiable to come out, is convieniently when no one who has a standard job should ever be home.
I book them in for Tuesday morning between 8 and 12. At 12:05, this big fucking douche-clot strolls through my front door and says, "Hey man, sorry I'm a dicktard with absolutely no respect for you. I know I shoulda been here earlier but I stopped by a gloryhole on my way over here and took a couple shots in the mouth." At least, thats what I remember him saying....
Regardless, this spunk junkie unplugs and plugs everything back into the PVR and resets it. It works. I politely explain to him that I've been through this, it works, but only for a week. Thinking back, the weird thing was that he brought a PVR with him because he thought he was supposed to be hooking it up... little did I know that it would have been smarter for me to just greyhound him and keep the PVR he brought than proceed as I did. He basically said something along the lines of "tough luck shitstains, I'm goin to the pumpjack for... lunch."
So a week later I call Shaw again, and basically start the process over again. Eventually I talk to a tech person who's heard of this problem before and she says that I need to have the PVR plugged directly into the wall, that for some fucked up reason powerbars tend to fuck with the sensitive inner gibberish of an overly expensive computer.... I try it and it works. For months it works. It works for so long that I never even got around to writing this entry...
Then, in the last month or so... it started fucking up again. This time I'm pissed. I've had at least five shit-cobblers come to my house, stink it up, and i'm still having this problem?? Fuck that shit. Bring me a new fucking box.
They agree.
Hooray!!!
Again I have to stay home in the morning to wait for this dick-repository to show up, but when he does, he's got a PVR in his hands. I almost shat in my pants when I saw it but I managed to keep it in and guide him to our TV. Fuckwad looks at the back of my PVR, opens the one he's brought with him and looks at the back of it... "Um, so it's like this, your using an HDMI cable... and this PVR only has a DVI port on it... oh, and I need to get back to the gloryhole... I'll come back tomorrow."
WHAT THE FUCK???????
Firstly, Shaw knows what fucking PVR I have because I've had a steady stream of their ball garglers running gangbanging it for a year...
Secondly, why the fuck would Motorola only put one input on a fucking PVR????? For that, Fuck you Motorola... I mean, I could nerd out and ramble about how HDMI is clearly better than DVI, but when I'm spending nearly a thousand dollars on a fucking glorified VCR, Fuck them for only putting one or the other on it. My TV has every kind of port on it that was ever made. Ones I've never even seen before and I'm a fucking AV nerd.
Fuck Motorola for only putting one or the other on the fucking box.
Fuck Shaw for bringing the wrong fucking one.
Fuck.
-b
Monday, May 07, 2007
Fuck Best Buy Part 3
Holy Shitfuckers!!!
It would appear that there is some good in the world.
As you know, I went to Best Buy last week and was told that my laptop would be in on Saturday. As expected, we got a call on the weekend telling us that my laptop was ready. At 6:00 pm on Sunday. I called my father-in-law to see about bringin him with me to get it, but he lives outside of Vancouver so it would have been a massive pain for him to come out just to be backup. So my wife and I went in on our own. We walked in bravely, preparing ourselves for battle. We'd read and re-read our service agreement, we'd prepared our arguements.
Instead, we walked in, asked for the computer, were given it and we walked out. No charge, no paperwork, nothin. I was absolutely dumbfounded. They replaced my motherboard, videocard and some other little minor shit. They even repaired the headphone jack that I broke in the first two months. All free of charge. Astounding.
Anyways, I've typed this whole deal out on it, it works fan-fucking-tastic and I'm so glad to have it back that I'd almost shit Best Buy's praises if they hadn't taken so long. Thanks Best-Buy.
-b
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Fuck Best Buy Part 2
So I went in yesterday to see what the shit was up with my laptop. It had been 51 days since I dropped it off, so I was understandably angry going in...
I had plans on going in, letting the little fuckup kid at the counter call up my file and try to appologize, then asking for the manager and raising some serious hell. That's not how it went down at all though...
Upon arriving at the Geek Squad counter, the Geek in question was the manager. He asked if he could help me and was very friendly. I said that my problem was that my laptop had been in for almost two months and I hadn't once gotten a call about it's status. He was astounded. He litterally said, "WOW!! That is totally unnaceptable..." He pulled up my file and stood there reading it for a minute. When he finally finished reading my file, he told me that they had fixed it and it was apparently quite an ordeal. They replaced several things on it, the motherboard, the video card and a bunch of other stuff. I was very excited, but he told me that it's in transit and won't arrive till Saturday. While I wasn't overly happy about having to wait till Saturday for it, I was quite happy at the thought of it coming back to me and working!!
I left the store in good spirits. I was excited at the possibility of again having my laptop at my disposal.
Then I thought about what it was going to cost. He hadn't mentioned a price to me, but he had said something about me almost getting a brand new laptop for free. Apparently they have a policy that if they have your computer for 60 days or more, they just dispose of your old one an buy you a brand new one (of equal or greater ability). That thought is slightly disturbing because on Saturday when I go to pick it up, they will have had it for 56 days and they will probably want a shitload of money for it. If on the other hand, they'd fucked up a little more, it would have been their cost to eat.
When I arrived home, thinking the whole way there that I was going to have to essentially buy my laptop all over again, I read my agreement with them. It basically says that they will not do any work that exceeds the authorized amount printed on the accompanying reciept. If they decide to do any work in excess of that amount, they will attempt to contact the owner. If they are unable to contact the owner, they will return it to it's drop off place unrepaired.
My reciept says $0.00 and while I did authorize an $89 charge to back up my data (which I never recieved) I never authorized any charges over that, and was told several times that I would be quoted a price before any work was done.
I realise that when I go in they are going to try to fight me on it, or keep my laptop or something, so I'm ready for a fight. I'm going to take my father-in-law with me. He's the COO of a major investment firm in Vancouver. He'll raise enough shit that I'll be astounded if I have to pay anything at all.
Regardless, I'll post again with my results and costs....
-b
I had plans on going in, letting the little fuckup kid at the counter call up my file and try to appologize, then asking for the manager and raising some serious hell. That's not how it went down at all though...
Upon arriving at the Geek Squad counter, the Geek in question was the manager. He asked if he could help me and was very friendly. I said that my problem was that my laptop had been in for almost two months and I hadn't once gotten a call about it's status. He was astounded. He litterally said, "WOW!! That is totally unnaceptable..." He pulled up my file and stood there reading it for a minute. When he finally finished reading my file, he told me that they had fixed it and it was apparently quite an ordeal. They replaced several things on it, the motherboard, the video card and a bunch of other stuff. I was very excited, but he told me that it's in transit and won't arrive till Saturday. While I wasn't overly happy about having to wait till Saturday for it, I was quite happy at the thought of it coming back to me and working!!
I left the store in good spirits. I was excited at the possibility of again having my laptop at my disposal.
Then I thought about what it was going to cost. He hadn't mentioned a price to me, but he had said something about me almost getting a brand new laptop for free. Apparently they have a policy that if they have your computer for 60 days or more, they just dispose of your old one an buy you a brand new one (of equal or greater ability). That thought is slightly disturbing because on Saturday when I go to pick it up, they will have had it for 56 days and they will probably want a shitload of money for it. If on the other hand, they'd fucked up a little more, it would have been their cost to eat.
When I arrived home, thinking the whole way there that I was going to have to essentially buy my laptop all over again, I read my agreement with them. It basically says that they will not do any work that exceeds the authorized amount printed on the accompanying reciept. If they decide to do any work in excess of that amount, they will attempt to contact the owner. If they are unable to contact the owner, they will return it to it's drop off place unrepaired.
My reciept says $0.00 and while I did authorize an $89 charge to back up my data (which I never recieved) I never authorized any charges over that, and was told several times that I would be quoted a price before any work was done.
I realise that when I go in they are going to try to fight me on it, or keep my laptop or something, so I'm ready for a fight. I'm going to take my father-in-law with me. He's the COO of a major investment firm in Vancouver. He'll raise enough shit that I'll be astounded if I have to pay anything at all.
Regardless, I'll post again with my results and costs....
-b
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Fuck Best Buy.
Fuck Best Buy in their fucking asses.
Fuck Geek-Squad too.
My laptop died. I'm not sure what happened, the screen fades to black when it starts up and never resurrects after that.... So I tried to figure it out on my own, but I have no fucking idea how to work on laptops without makin shit worse. In terms of my laptop, I've made two collossal fuckups.
1): I didn't get an extended service plan. Normally I fucking hate ESPs, but I s'pose when you buy a $3300 dollar peice of equipment (It's gone down alot in price since) you'd be smart to protect it.
2): I took it to the Geek Squad at my local Best-Buy.
I went in on March 12th and met Adam. Adam was the Geek Squad representative for the day. He took my laptop and tried to start it up. It did the same shit it does for me so he had me fill out all my vitals and the specs of my machine, then he said it'd take a day or two and they'd call me with a quote. I asked if there was any way they could back my shit up, and he said not to worry about it. I'd get it back in no time, he said.
I got a call the next day from a guy who sounded like he was maybe 15. As per usual, I'll paraphrase, this is how I like to remember shit.
I didn't catch his name, but he said, "Are you aware that your laptop doesn't start, sir??"
"Are you fucking kidding??" I asked.
He said "No, it really wont' start."
"I meant of course I know it won't start, that's why I brought it in. Do you have any idea why it won't start???"
"Um, no sir, since we can't see anything on the screen, we don't really have any means by which to check it out."
"So what does that mean?? Do I have to come get it and take it somewhere else??"
"No, sir, we'll just ship it off to our depot where we take care of advanced problems like this. Do you want me to back up your stuff first??"
Anyways, I got him to back up a couple of things that my wife and I wanted in the meantime, and he said I could pick up the backup the next day. I went in to get the backup disk, and I stood at the counter for nearly 45 minutes. I watched all of the Geeks milling around in the back, trying to look busy so's to not have to deal with me. As I stood there waiting, I saw Adam coming from the back and I intercepted him before he had a chance to hide behind the desk like everyone else. I showed him my reciept and asked him to check and see if my backup was ready. He took my reciept and dissapeared into the back. After a half an hour, he came meandering back across the store and said he couldn't find my laptop. I told him that I wasn't here for my laptop, that they were going to send it out, I just wanted the backup disk that the little kid had made for me.
Adam was confused, but he called up my file and said that my laptop had been sent out and would probably be backed up at the depot. I went back twice more to try to get a backup, whether they sent it back from the depot or if they had maybe found the one that the little kid said he'd make. No dice.
Fuck.
On my fourth visit, Adam told me that the average turnaround for computers that get sent to the depot is 3-4 weeks.
Fuck.
So instead of going in every fucking day, I waited patiently. I had a busy couple of weeks so at least they went fast. I went back to Best Buy the Thursday before Easter. This time I met Eric. Eric was great. He was very understanding and calmed me down a lot. He took my receipt and called up my info, then he went into the back and came out with my laptop.
Fuck.
It had a big post it on it that said "BACKUP & SEND TO DEPOT" stuck on the front.
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
Eric was very appologetic and I couldn't really be mean to him. I was just kind of... deflated. I didn't really know what to do. He said that I could take it, and go somewhere else with it, or if I wanted, he'd personally make sure that it was backed up and on the truck in the morning. I figured it couldn't hurt to leave it with them, fucking idiot that I am.
I went back into Best Buy on Monday and Eric was there again. He said that he'd been in all weekend but because of the Easter weekend, there was no truck on Friday. He'd just managed to get it on a truck in the morning that day, so he assured me it was at the depot. He said I should get a call within a couple of weeks.
Fuck.
So now, it's the 1st of May.
It's been 50 days since I left my computer with them.
50 fucking days.
So fuck Best Buy.
And fuck the Geek Squad.
This afternoon I'm going in to get my computer. Even if some fucking lackey has to drive across town to the fucking depot to get it. I'll update with my results.
Fucking Best Buy.
-b
Fuck Geek-Squad too.
My laptop died. I'm not sure what happened, the screen fades to black when it starts up and never resurrects after that.... So I tried to figure it out on my own, but I have no fucking idea how to work on laptops without makin shit worse. In terms of my laptop, I've made two collossal fuckups.
1): I didn't get an extended service plan. Normally I fucking hate ESPs, but I s'pose when you buy a $3300 dollar peice of equipment (It's gone down alot in price since) you'd be smart to protect it.
2): I took it to the Geek Squad at my local Best-Buy.
I went in on March 12th and met Adam. Adam was the Geek Squad representative for the day. He took my laptop and tried to start it up. It did the same shit it does for me so he had me fill out all my vitals and the specs of my machine, then he said it'd take a day or two and they'd call me with a quote. I asked if there was any way they could back my shit up, and he said not to worry about it. I'd get it back in no time, he said.
I got a call the next day from a guy who sounded like he was maybe 15. As per usual, I'll paraphrase, this is how I like to remember shit.
I didn't catch his name, but he said, "Are you aware that your laptop doesn't start, sir??"
"Are you fucking kidding??" I asked.
He said "No, it really wont' start."
"I meant of course I know it won't start, that's why I brought it in. Do you have any idea why it won't start???"
"Um, no sir, since we can't see anything on the screen, we don't really have any means by which to check it out."
"So what does that mean?? Do I have to come get it and take it somewhere else??"
"No, sir, we'll just ship it off to our depot where we take care of advanced problems like this. Do you want me to back up your stuff first??"
Anyways, I got him to back up a couple of things that my wife and I wanted in the meantime, and he said I could pick up the backup the next day. I went in to get the backup disk, and I stood at the counter for nearly 45 minutes. I watched all of the Geeks milling around in the back, trying to look busy so's to not have to deal with me. As I stood there waiting, I saw Adam coming from the back and I intercepted him before he had a chance to hide behind the desk like everyone else. I showed him my reciept and asked him to check and see if my backup was ready. He took my reciept and dissapeared into the back. After a half an hour, he came meandering back across the store and said he couldn't find my laptop. I told him that I wasn't here for my laptop, that they were going to send it out, I just wanted the backup disk that the little kid had made for me.
Adam was confused, but he called up my file and said that my laptop had been sent out and would probably be backed up at the depot. I went back twice more to try to get a backup, whether they sent it back from the depot or if they had maybe found the one that the little kid said he'd make. No dice.
Fuck.
On my fourth visit, Adam told me that the average turnaround for computers that get sent to the depot is 3-4 weeks.
Fuck.
So instead of going in every fucking day, I waited patiently. I had a busy couple of weeks so at least they went fast. I went back to Best Buy the Thursday before Easter. This time I met Eric. Eric was great. He was very understanding and calmed me down a lot. He took my receipt and called up my info, then he went into the back and came out with my laptop.
Fuck.
It had a big post it on it that said "BACKUP & SEND TO DEPOT" stuck on the front.
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
Eric was very appologetic and I couldn't really be mean to him. I was just kind of... deflated. I didn't really know what to do. He said that I could take it, and go somewhere else with it, or if I wanted, he'd personally make sure that it was backed up and on the truck in the morning. I figured it couldn't hurt to leave it with them, fucking idiot that I am.
I went back into Best Buy on Monday and Eric was there again. He said that he'd been in all weekend but because of the Easter weekend, there was no truck on Friday. He'd just managed to get it on a truck in the morning that day, so he assured me it was at the depot. He said I should get a call within a couple of weeks.
Fuck.
So now, it's the 1st of May.
It's been 50 days since I left my computer with them.
50 fucking days.
So fuck Best Buy.
And fuck the Geek Squad.
This afternoon I'm going in to get my computer. Even if some fucking lackey has to drive across town to the fucking depot to get it. I'll update with my results.
Fucking Best Buy.
-b
Monday, April 30, 2007
Fucking Retarded Apartment Fuckup.
So, we bought an apartment.
Yay for us!!
At least that's what we thought had happened...
When Kell and I decided we were going to buy a house, we decided that we could afford something around $350k. Knowing that it was still the 70's when my parents bought their three bedroom rancher house in Cranbrook for 30 grand, I knew that we'd never be able to get a nice house for that price. We did, however, assume that there was a possibility that we'd be able to get a dump somewhere kinda close to Vancouver, like Richmond, Ladner or Burnaby and spend the next 3-4 years doing renovations...
HolyShitFuckers were we wrong!! The lowest house price in any of those locations (without being a 55+ neighbourhood or a floating disaster waiting to happen) is this one. Nice... $399k for a "land value only" house in the skids of Burnaby.
So we abandoned hope of a "house" house, and decided we'd look for a "home". We started looking at townhomes and condos. Since we rent in the cambie village now and would love to stay there, I had again, mistakenly hoped that we'd be able to find a decent townhouse in that area... Still wrong. The cheapest 2 bedroom condo in our neighbourhood was this one, and $495k seems a tad high for me.
So we expanded our search. We were looking for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo, somewhere in the 1000 square foot range. We wanted windows, but we weren't being super picky... We looked at tonnes of suites, and most of them were in the 18-32 years old range... That means high monthly maintenance and probable rainscreening issues.
When we found this, we were ecstatic. The building was unfinished, which unfortunately meant we couldn't do a walkthrough, but by looking on the developers website we were able to get a good picture of what it would be like inside. Top floor with vaulted ceilings. Stainless steel appliances. Granite counter tops. Big balcony. In-suite laundry. Tasty shit.
We decided to put in an offer. We looked at the asking price of $339k, and decided that the suite would probably sell for somewhere around $335k (we'd almost put in serious offers several times, and knew that in the insane Vancouver housing market we had to be somewhere close to the asking price). We finally offered $329k, a full $10k below asking price and figured we'd barter the price back to around $335k.
Instead, the response from the other realtor was: "There is no room to move in the price at all. We're not even willing to budge a nickle. If it doesn't sell before the building completes, we'll sell it afterwards."
I was so astounded by the harsh reaction to what we considered a fair and well thought out offer that we said "Fine, fuck you you stupid sack of shit, stuff your fucking apartment up your fucking ass and choke on it." Or something along those lines anyways...
It was a little under a week later that our realtor Mike called us to say that the other realtor had called him to ask why we hadn't come back with another offer. I'll now paraphrase their conversation as I wasn't actually there and I'd like to think that this is how it went down.
"What???" said Mike.
"Yeah, we were expecting to hear from you with another offer... what happened??"
"You told us there was no room to move at all you fucking dipshit. Why the fuck would we come back to your fucking lame ass with another offer??"
"Well, I'm just retarded enough to think that you would..."
"...fucking moronic cockholster..."
"Well.... I think you should come back with an offer of maybe somewhere in the $336k range."
"Why?? So you can reject it outright too, ya cockchugging asshound??"
"Um.... just try it..."
So.... we went back to them with an offer of $334k, which suprisingly, they accepted. They ACCEPTED!! Fuckin eh!! We were so stoked. After all the rigamaroll this useless skinsack had put us through, they accepted our offer. We prepped all the financials, got everything set up. We put in our deposit, went over all of the paperwork, our mortgage was approved and set up, all that remained was the developer signoff.
See, when you're buying an unfinished apartment, it's called buying an assignment. The developer doesn't care who buys the suite, so long as someone does and he gets his cut. So normally when you get to the developer signoff stage, it's a done deal. This is the point where you've got in an accepted offer, neither one of you, buyer or seller can back out... unless the developer has a problem. Again, I'll paraphrase.
"Hey Mike, uh, there seems to be something wrong with your paperwork..." said the developer.
"What??" said Mike.
"Yeah, you're missing two pages of the original contract..."
"WHAT???"
"Um, you're missing two pag...."
"WHAT???"
As it turns out, the guy had purchased a second parking stall as an option, but when we offered lower than his asking price, he decided against the extra stall. The developer says that he doesn't care who, but somebody agreed to buy the parking stall, someones paying the $6k pricetag. So Mike went to the other guys realtor and has a talk with him.
"Hey there fucktard. Why are there pages missing from the fucking contract???"
"WHAT???"
Turns out, it's not the other realtor that's the imbecile, it's the seller. The dumb shit says that he took the pages out because he thought that because it was an "option" that they were "option-al". They were till you signed on the dotted line, you brainless spunkchunk. He gets his testes in a twist and decides that he's going to sue the developer, who "didn't make it clear to him". Good luck fucknut. Once he realized that his lack of understanding of the english language is not grounds for any sort of lawsuit, he found out that he was going to have to pay capitol gains on the sale. So he decided that rather than sell the place, he would give it to his nephew (which is code for: Sell it illegally to one of his family members who can live there for a year and then sell it without paying any taxes on it.)
We stepped out, we bought a place, we got to the last step and had it yanked out from under us. I guess we'll just have to start looking again, but I'm not bitter or anything.
-b
Edit: Just to clarify, we got our deposit and everything back in full. Sorry, didn't mean to leave ya hangin on that...
Yay for us!!
At least that's what we thought had happened...
When Kell and I decided we were going to buy a house, we decided that we could afford something around $350k. Knowing that it was still the 70's when my parents bought their three bedroom rancher house in Cranbrook for 30 grand, I knew that we'd never be able to get a nice house for that price. We did, however, assume that there was a possibility that we'd be able to get a dump somewhere kinda close to Vancouver, like Richmond, Ladner or Burnaby and spend the next 3-4 years doing renovations...
HolyShitFuckers were we wrong!! The lowest house price in any of those locations (without being a 55+ neighbourhood or a floating disaster waiting to happen) is this one. Nice... $399k for a "land value only" house in the skids of Burnaby.
So we abandoned hope of a "house" house, and decided we'd look for a "home". We started looking at townhomes and condos. Since we rent in the cambie village now and would love to stay there, I had again, mistakenly hoped that we'd be able to find a decent townhouse in that area... Still wrong. The cheapest 2 bedroom condo in our neighbourhood was this one, and $495k seems a tad high for me.
So we expanded our search. We were looking for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo, somewhere in the 1000 square foot range. We wanted windows, but we weren't being super picky... We looked at tonnes of suites, and most of them were in the 18-32 years old range... That means high monthly maintenance and probable rainscreening issues.
When we found this, we were ecstatic. The building was unfinished, which unfortunately meant we couldn't do a walkthrough, but by looking on the developers website we were able to get a good picture of what it would be like inside. Top floor with vaulted ceilings. Stainless steel appliances. Granite counter tops. Big balcony. In-suite laundry. Tasty shit.
We decided to put in an offer. We looked at the asking price of $339k, and decided that the suite would probably sell for somewhere around $335k (we'd almost put in serious offers several times, and knew that in the insane Vancouver housing market we had to be somewhere close to the asking price). We finally offered $329k, a full $10k below asking price and figured we'd barter the price back to around $335k.
Instead, the response from the other realtor was: "There is no room to move in the price at all. We're not even willing to budge a nickle. If it doesn't sell before the building completes, we'll sell it afterwards."
I was so astounded by the harsh reaction to what we considered a fair and well thought out offer that we said "Fine, fuck you you stupid sack of shit, stuff your fucking apartment up your fucking ass and choke on it." Or something along those lines anyways...
It was a little under a week later that our realtor Mike called us to say that the other realtor had called him to ask why we hadn't come back with another offer. I'll now paraphrase their conversation as I wasn't actually there and I'd like to think that this is how it went down.
"What???" said Mike.
"Yeah, we were expecting to hear from you with another offer... what happened??"
"You told us there was no room to move at all you fucking dipshit. Why the fuck would we come back to your fucking lame ass with another offer??"
"Well, I'm just retarded enough to think that you would..."
"...fucking moronic cockholster..."
"Well.... I think you should come back with an offer of maybe somewhere in the $336k range."
"Why?? So you can reject it outright too, ya cockchugging asshound??"
"Um.... just try it..."
So.... we went back to them with an offer of $334k, which suprisingly, they accepted. They ACCEPTED!! Fuckin eh!! We were so stoked. After all the rigamaroll this useless skinsack had put us through, they accepted our offer. We prepped all the financials, got everything set up. We put in our deposit, went over all of the paperwork, our mortgage was approved and set up, all that remained was the developer signoff.
See, when you're buying an unfinished apartment, it's called buying an assignment. The developer doesn't care who buys the suite, so long as someone does and he gets his cut. So normally when you get to the developer signoff stage, it's a done deal. This is the point where you've got in an accepted offer, neither one of you, buyer or seller can back out... unless the developer has a problem. Again, I'll paraphrase.
"Hey Mike, uh, there seems to be something wrong with your paperwork..." said the developer.
"What??" said Mike.
"Yeah, you're missing two pages of the original contract..."
"WHAT???"
"Um, you're missing two pag...."
"WHAT???"
As it turns out, the guy had purchased a second parking stall as an option, but when we offered lower than his asking price, he decided against the extra stall. The developer says that he doesn't care who, but somebody agreed to buy the parking stall, someones paying the $6k pricetag. So Mike went to the other guys realtor and has a talk with him.
"Hey there fucktard. Why are there pages missing from the fucking contract???"
"WHAT???"
Turns out, it's not the other realtor that's the imbecile, it's the seller. The dumb shit says that he took the pages out because he thought that because it was an "option" that they were "option-al". They were till you signed on the dotted line, you brainless spunkchunk. He gets his testes in a twist and decides that he's going to sue the developer, who "didn't make it clear to him". Good luck fucknut. Once he realized that his lack of understanding of the english language is not grounds for any sort of lawsuit, he found out that he was going to have to pay capitol gains on the sale. So he decided that rather than sell the place, he would give it to his nephew (which is code for: Sell it illegally to one of his family members who can live there for a year and then sell it without paying any taxes on it.)
We stepped out, we bought a place, we got to the last step and had it yanked out from under us. I guess we'll just have to start looking again, but I'm not bitter or anything.
-b
Edit: Just to clarify, we got our deposit and everything back in full. Sorry, didn't mean to leave ya hangin on that...
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