Fuck Regular Coke

If you work at a McDonald's, or a BK, or a Wendy's... go fuck yourself. Seriously. Go out back, use some grease from the huge vats of deep fryer sludge that are inevitably stored out there to lube up your brown eye, pretzel up and shove your own head up your ass. You work in fast food. This is pretty much the lowest of low jobs that you can end up in. How hard is it to not fuck up while you're there?? I mean, when I say to you "I'd like a large Diet Coke please." And you repeat back to me, "Ok, one large diet coke." How fucking hard is that to follow up by actually filling it with DIET FUCKING COKE??? I didn't ask for a Regular PumpedFromABucketFullOfAssholes Coke. I asked for a Diet Coke. Diet Motherfucking Coke. Seriously. If this is really as easy as it seems to me, how can it be possible that three out of five times some fucking lackey gives me the wrong fucking thing?? How brainless do you have to be to master this concept??

I get it. I get that your job sucks scrotal sack. I get that you hate yourself but are too afraid to just pull the trigger and put the world out of your misery. I get that you hate me because I'm making you feel subservient, but fuck you. If I didn't come by to line Jim Skinner's pockets by paying for my morning Diet Coke, then you'd be back on the corner giving tug jobs for cash, hoping that the sore on your face is just a pimple and not the first signs of AIDS, all just to keep that shitty little Hyundai on the road for just one more week.

Did you just think to yourself, "Oh come on, they're pretty much the same thing, he already works in a shitty dead end job, give him a break"??? FUCK YOU! They are not the same thing. Calling Coke and Diet Coke the same thing is like saying that crack and heroine are the same thing. Both get you high, both are highly addictive, surely they're interchangeable. Fuck you. Diet Coke is a completely, different flavor. In all my years of being addicted to diet colas, only once has one of the lackeys given me root beer instead of my beverage of choice. But at least twice a week they fuck it up and give me Regular Coke. If I were a diabetic, you could have just handed me a big cup of poison. Seriously. You just handed me a one liter cup of cold frothy death. I'm not a diabetic though, so you're lucky this time, but I probably would be if I drank Regular Coke to the same degree that I drink Diet Coke.

Is it the name?? Could that be the problem?? Sure, they both have the word Coke in them, but one has two words, the other doesn't. I guess they could try calling it something else. Maybe just DC. Or DieCo. Coke Zero's got it easy because you could just call it zero, but DieCo sounds like the company that should find inventive ways for me to end you. If you can't get it right, fuck you. I like it as it is. It's a Diet Mutherfucking Coke. Get it right.

By fucking up my shit, you make my day worse, which is going to make your day suck tomorrow. Because tomorrow when I come in for my Diet Motherfucking Coke, I'mma make you read it back to me a bunch of times. Then I'm going to sit in the drive thru line making everyone behind me wait while I root through the bag to find the straw that you probably didn't give me, then do a little taste test. And if it's fucking wrong, it's coming back in the window. As hard as I can throw that motherfucker it's coming back in that fucking little drive thru window all over your ugly fucking face. It's going to be just like that time you got bukkake'd for $30 to help put yourself through fast food training camp. Except it'll be cold and it'll taste like someone else's ass, not your own. So just get it fucking right and save us all the hassle.

-b