Fucking Retarded Apartment Fuckup.

So, we bought an apartment.

Yay for us!!

At least that's what we thought had happened...

When Kell and I decided we were going to buy a house, we decided that we could afford something around $350k. Knowing that it was still the 70's when my parents bought their three bedroom rancher house in Cranbrook for 30 grand, I knew that we'd never be able to get a nice house for that price. We did, however, assume that there was a possibility that we'd be able to get a dump somewhere kinda close to Vancouver, like Richmond, Ladner or Burnaby and spend the next 3-4 years doing renovations...

HolyShitFuckers were we wrong!! The lowest house price in any of those locations (without being a 55+ neighbourhood or a floating disaster waiting to happen) is this one. Nice... $399k for a "land value only" house in the skids of Burnaby.

So we abandoned hope of a "house" house, and decided we'd look for a "home". We started looking at townhomes and condos. Since we rent in the cambie village now and would love to stay there, I had again, mistakenly hoped that we'd be able to find a decent townhouse in that area... Still wrong. The cheapest 2 bedroom condo in our neighbourhood was this one, and $495k seems a tad high for me.

So we expanded our search. We were looking for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo, somewhere in the 1000 square foot range. We wanted windows, but we weren't being super picky... We looked at tonnes of suites, and most of them were in the 18-32 years old range... That means high monthly maintenance and probable rainscreening issues.

When we found this, we were ecstatic. The building was unfinished, which unfortunately meant we couldn't do a walkthrough, but by looking on the developers website we were able to get a good picture of what it would be like inside. Top floor with vaulted ceilings. Stainless steel appliances. Granite counter tops. Big balcony. In-suite laundry. Tasty shit.

We decided to put in an offer. We looked at the asking price of $339k, and decided that the suite would probably sell for somewhere around $335k (we'd almost put in serious offers several times, and knew that in the insane Vancouver housing market we had to be somewhere close to the asking price). We finally offered $329k, a full $10k below asking price and figured we'd barter the price back to around $335k.

Instead, the response from the other realtor was: "There is no room to move in the price at all. We're not even willing to budge a nickle. If it doesn't sell before the building completes, we'll sell it afterwards."

I was so astounded by the harsh reaction to what we considered a fair and well thought out offer that we said "Fine, fuck you you stupid sack of shit, stuff your fucking apartment up your fucking ass and choke on it." Or something along those lines anyways...

It was a little under a week later that our realtor Mike called us to say that the other realtor had called him to ask why we hadn't come back with another offer. I'll now paraphrase their conversation as I wasn't actually there and I'd like to think that this is how it went down.

"What???" said Mike.

"Yeah, we were expecting to hear from you with another offer... what happened??"

"You told us there was no room to move at all you fucking dipshit. Why the fuck would we come back to your fucking lame ass with another offer??"

"Well, I'm just retarded enough to think that you would..."

"...fucking moronic cockholster..."

"Well.... I think you should come back with an offer of maybe somewhere in the $336k range."

"Why?? So you can reject it outright too, ya cockchugging asshound??"

"Um.... just try it..."

So.... we went back to them with an offer of $334k, which suprisingly, they accepted. They ACCEPTED!! Fuckin eh!! We were so stoked. After all the rigamaroll this useless skinsack had put us through, they accepted our offer. We prepped all the financials, got everything set up. We put in our deposit, went over all of the paperwork, our mortgage was approved and set up, all that remained was the developer signoff.

See, when you're buying an unfinished apartment, it's called buying an assignment. The developer doesn't care who buys the suite, so long as someone does and he gets his cut. So normally when you get to the developer signoff stage, it's a done deal. This is the point where you've got in an accepted offer, neither one of you, buyer or seller can back out... unless the developer has a problem. Again, I'll paraphrase.

"Hey Mike, uh, there seems to be something wrong with your paperwork..." said the developer.

"What??" said Mike.

"Yeah, you're missing two pages of the original contract..."

"WHAT???"

"Um, you're missing two pag...."

"WHAT???"

As it turns out, the guy had purchased a second parking stall as an option, but when we offered lower than his asking price, he decided against the extra stall. The developer says that he doesn't care who, but somebody agreed to buy the parking stall, someones paying the $6k pricetag. So Mike went to the other guys realtor and has a talk with him.

"Hey there fucktard. Why are there pages missing from the fucking contract???"

"WHAT???"

Turns out, it's not the other realtor that's the imbecile, it's the seller. The dumb shit says that he took the pages out because he thought that because it was an "option" that they were "option-al". They were till you signed on the dotted line, you brainless spunkchunk. He gets his testes in a twist and decides that he's going to sue the developer, who "didn't make it clear to him". Good luck fucknut. Once he realized that his lack of understanding of the english language is not grounds for any sort of lawsuit, he found out that he was going to have to pay capitol gains on the sale. So he decided that rather than sell the place, he would give it to his nephew (which is code for: Sell it illegally to one of his family members who can live there for a year and then sell it without paying any taxes on it.)

We stepped out, we bought a place, we got to the last step and had it yanked out from under us. I guess we'll just have to start looking again, but I'm not bitter or anything.

-b

Edit: Just to clarify, we got our deposit and everything back in full. Sorry, didn't mean to leave ya hangin on that...